Image: Annie Konst
Listen y’all, I was struggling physically for the months of January and February and ok some of March. Jan and most of Feb had me in physical pain at a fever pitch. I stopped sleeping. For me, this is game over. I’m weepy— impulsive. I start wearing a lot of hats. That’s not a figure of speech. And this time, a new fun thing happened where some extra mean internal voice became my regular all-the-time internal voice.
Mid-Jan I’m at the gym in the locker room post shower wrapped in a towel, carefully massaging lotion onto my face. This always makes me feel like a little mouse. In a cute way. But that day the following thought happened instead: “It’s really so unfortunate that your face is just this flat beige wall. Don’t your eyes just kind of recede into your face? So tiny and bland.”
I blinked. Ummmmm. Then: Wow, that’s really mean. And so specific.
Later, on the subway, “You’re getting old and wrinkled and running out of time.” Time for what??
Making a flowchart for a friend’s biz plan, “It's so cute how you try so hard but can’t ever do anything right.”
Getting ready for bed, “Uh oh are you getting fat? So embarrassing.” Literally the very next day, “You look a little too skinny. It’s kind of gross.”
OH MY GOD.
And on and on and on for weeks.
This interview Mariah Vs. Bianca where Mariah interviews herself, as the haughty, sexy, mean Bianca is basically exactly what it felt like. Of course, it’s completely ridiculous to dismiss or patronize Mariah Carey because she’s Mariah Carey! But it’s also ridiculous because I’m Hannah Nutter!
So I did the only thing I know how to do: named her Angelina, and started calling her out.
Ok, I also re-downloaded TikTok. But JUST to listen to tarot readings about self love and before you raise your perfect eyebrows - it’s a totally legit form of brainwashing. Why not have some stranger(s) from the internet tell me I create magic everywhere I go, am effortlessly beautiful, and am so easy to love - while I do my makeup? Yas, free self-hypnosis.
I’m back to feeling hot but it did give me pause. Maybe those subway ads, and endless botox promoters are getting to me. It’s hard to hang on to yourself in a big city, in a global world. I take care of myself and I’ll continue to, but when and where does self care twist into self hatred?
I said being hot is a state of mind, and I meant it. The reason I find someone hot is not because they have a six-pack, or muscles, or don’t have a belly, or because their hair is singing angel notes.
It’s about how I feel when I’m around them - the quality of our intimacy, their beautiful mind, how in touch they are with themselves, their sense of humor. I love a belly. More to touch. Cozy even. I love a large nose, or a sharply cut chin, or a gap in the teeth, or cheeks that round and dimple. I love the eccentricities of other people. The more deeply I love you, the more deeply I love however you’re arriving. Why would I assume other people don’t feel the same way? Why would I even want that?
In the end, redirecting Angelina wasn’t just about telling that bitch to have a seat; it was also about coming back to center more broadly. I love a beauty regime, I love fashion. But I could wear a potato sack and figure out how to make it look hot. So could you. True beauty is about authenticity, energy, loving yourself. It’s not easy. But don’t become your own hater (I’ll try not to): The “it" factor can’t be bought.
Your audio post is hilarious! Please make more audio post in the near future if you can, thank you!
P.s. you have a nice voice
The audio version was even better.