Image: Annie Konst
Field notes from my adventures in getting bodied through exercise. Finding a teacher who has it dialed feels like discovering a sleeper agent.
Housing Crisis Knee, in Williamsburg
This instructor is goofy.
She has brown buggy eyes. One eye tends to wander charmingly too far to the left. And this itsy bitsy tiny little nose. She’s wearing a matching all black set, gold hoops. She’s cute. “I’m talking a mile a minute because I DON’T DRINK COFFEE ANYMORE and I took some cough syrup not realizing that it had caffeine in it so anyway let’s get going!” I’m wondering what kind of cough syrup has caffeine in it, best not to ask.
We’re doing clamshells - about halfway through the workout. She’s trying to explain the shape our top knee should be making.
“It should look like a graph of the housing crisis.” She’s cackling. “You know??? THE HOUSING CRISIS” She makes a sharp angle with one of her arms.
“No guys, the housing crisis is so real haha. Ok so I like to go on Zillow sometimes becauUUUSE it’s FUN and I guess I just like to see the life I’ll never have.” More cackling, “I was looking at this house. It looks TERRIBLE. Falling apart” She tell us to roll to the other side. “And anyway guess how much it sold for in the 90’s or something? (pause) 22,000! And now? It’s worth 4 MILLION!”
She’s laughing so hard she can barely talk. “And it’s a complete knockdown!!” Insane laughter “4 million wow. This is what I keep telling my mother when she asks if I’m having children.”
Propagation Techniques, in Dumbo
Genieve is ripped. I don’t know how old she is. Definitely above 40, could be in her 60’s.
Usually our sonic backdrop is a cool DJ set with a jungalow thrill. If you’re an exercise provider person, get in on the DJ sets. Genevieve doesn’t just understand ergonomics and watch you like a hawk -- she also understands the importance of cultivating a vibe.
Yes a vibe, a vibe. I have to stop saying a vibe. It’s taking over my entire language. Everything is a vibe! But actually - yes, vibe cultivation. Key to idea propagation.
When I exercise I want to feel like I’m in this special place where nothing else is real except what we’re doing, this room. The most inspired solutions come to me after workouts like this. Portals are opened, windows cracked.
Genieve doesn’t tell stories about herself because she’s too busy doing her job.
When you go high I go lower, in Tribeca
This instructor is a gay man who performs on Broadway sometimes, as a dancer. He has brown hair and brown eyes and warm solar energy. Am I attracted to him? I don’t know. Maybe. 6’1,” broad build with muscular legs. He usually plays 90’s pop. His class is hard, but not too hard. Mostly, I like his attitude. He’s gentle but also really not giving you any breaks.
He likes to remind me that while my turn out is impressive can I please get lower.
“Lower.”
“Even lower.”
(makes a pointing motion at the ground with his right hand)
“Good.”
Every time this happens I look around - through my periphery - to see if he’s making anyone else get down that far. And I’m gonna tell you right now the answer is no. On God, I’m the lowest one in the room by inches.
Great funny stories! My favs are the Williamsburg and Tribeca stories. I can visualize your stories, that’s what makes them great.